The Dachshund DispatchOctober 2026
Local Wiener Dog Lands Billboard Deal at 9 Months Old
October 2026 — Poochie was selected as a Pacifico PupStar winner and invited to appear on a billboard.
“Finally. The recognition I deserve.”
So you want to know me.
Meet Poochie.
Long-haired dachshund. Demanding, dramatic, and deeply affectionate when it suits me. Here is everything you need to know, in the order I decided.
The Essentials
Breedlong-haired dachshund
Heightinsufficient. I manage.
Showersdaily. non-negotiable.
Office Chairmine.
Foodmostly rejected.
Attention Requiredall of it.
Wormsbody-slammed.
Birthday. Officially a Capricorn. Unofficially in charge of everyone.
Favorite HumanGraMaMa. (gram-mah-mah)
Moodsee homepage. it changes.
Her dad calls her Poocharellie.
Unlike Cinderella, I have no intention of doing chores.
one I Am a Spa Girl.
I shower every single day. Not because anyone makes me. Because I have standards, and because warm water is the correct temperature for a princess. Other dogs run from the bathroom. I walk in and wait for service.
Daily. She chose this. I just hold the towel.
two I Am Also, Briefly, Feral.
A walk is not exercise. A walk is a search. I am looking for the most disgusting thing in the neighborhood so I can roll in it. If I find a hole to dig, that is a wonderful day. If I find a worm, I will body-slam it and rub my scent on it, and that is a magnificent day. Then I go home and shower. The system works.
A worm is not a trophy. She disagrees. Loudly.
three I Have My Own Office Chair.
I insist on it. Not a bed under the desk. Not a lap. A chair, at the desk, like a colleague. I require constant attention while working, which mostly means staring at the side of Mom's head until she turns around. It is very effective.
It was my chair. I have a different chair now.
Employee of the Month
Winner: Poochie
"Every month. Unanimous decision."
Mom was disqualified for performance-related reasons.
four About the Menu.
I am an extremely picky eater. I reject most food. I will make this face, you will offer something, I will sniff it, and I will walk away. This is not a game. This is a review. Keep trying. I believe in you.
She has turned down things I would eat.
five I Need You. Constantly.
I am dramatic. I am demanding. I boss my humans around constantly, and they take direction well, mostly. I am also extremely affectionate, on my terms, at my chosen times, for as long as I decide. If you stop petting me I will let you know. If you keep petting me I will also let you know. The world revolves around me. I didn't make the rules. I just enforce them.
All true. She is also the best part of every day.Things I Have Decided
The WindNo. Absolutely not. It touches me without asking.
Falling LeavesPrey. I chase them, I catch them. It is my sport.
Unfamiliar DogsStranger danger. I don't know you. Keep walking.
Ice CreamThe one exception to every food rule I have.
My HumansThey take direction well. I give a lot of direction.
GraMaMaThe best human ever made. Mom is aware.
She will refuse a treat and then stare down an ice cream cone like it owes her money.
Poochie in the Press
My Extensive Qualifications
None of these are official. All of them are impressive. All learned while I was still a puppy.
Sit
Come
Stay
Shake
Speakalso known as "Talk Shit"
Dabs
Spin
Sit Pretty
Play Dead
CopsI hear it, I leave. Immediately.
Run Run Runmy cue for crossing the street
All of these before her first birthday. She would like that on the record.
Poochie's Official Résumétap to open
POOCHIE
Chief Executive DachshundProfessional Experience
Executive management since puppyhood.
Core Competencies
- Delegation
- Supervising humans
- Advanced snack negotiations
- Office chair acquisition
- Strategic napping
- Worm wrestling
- Looking adorable under pressure
Education
Self-taught. Refuses formal instruction unless treats are involved.
References
GraMaMa. Everyone else is biased.
She dictated this. I typed it. I was not allowed to edit.Confidential: Poochie's Criminal Recordtap to open
Known Offenses
- Unauthorized food inspections
- Grand theft office chair
- Worm assault
- Disturbing the peace
- Excessive demands for attention
- Trespassing in Mom's personal space
- Verdict
- Guilty of being ridiculously cute.
- Sentence
- Absolutely nothing.
- Repeat offender
- Obviously.
This file is a joke. No actual crimes. Several actual worms.
Words I Know
HungryAlways. Hungry is a lifestyle, not a feeling.
PlayYes. Now. Where is it.
WalkiesThe best word in the language.
Chicky"Should we go get Chicky?" I know this word. I know that bag. I know that sound.
GraMaMa's HouseThe greatest place on Earth. I start screaming in the car.
Go PottyFine.
Whoa!Slow down. Apparently.
ICK!The worst word. It means I can't eat it. I consider it anyway.
"Whoa" exists because she used to take off at full speed and run out of leash. The family joke is that she will never be "neck ready." She wears a harness now, and the actual fix was teaching her to slow down before the leash does.
"ICK" means no, drop it. She hears it. She weighs it. She usually complies. Usually.
I'm Learning to Talk.
There are buttons on the floor now. Each one says a word when I step on it. I am learning which is which. So far I have strong opinions and a small vocabulary, which honestly describes most of my life.
Communication buttons. She is learning, not fluent. Future TikTok content, obviously.Things I Require Daily
- One shower, warm, no rushing
- My chair, at the desk, with a view
- A walk with something disgusting at the end of it
- A hole (if available)
- A worm (if I'm being honest, the highlight)
- Several meals I will not eat
- Your full attention (this one is not optional)
Send Poochie Fan Mail
Compliments are encouraged. Criticism will be ignored. Questions will be answered when I feel like it, which is rarely.
The mailbox opens once the email is set up. I'll read them to her out loud. She will pretend not to listen.